What It Means to Be a Disciple of Jesus: Deny Yourself, Take Up Your Cross, Follow Him

Have you ever wondered what it actually means to be a disciple of Jesus? Not what the word means. A disciple follows a teacher in such a way that their life begins to look more and more like the teacher's life. That part is clear. The harder question is what it actually takes to follow Jesus, and whether there is an order to it. Is there something we are supposed to show up with? Or do we sit back, passively call ourselves disciples, and wait for God to grow us when He is ready?

Those questions have bounced around my mind for years. They are a big part of why we started the Known Disciple Project: to share what we are learning as we wrestle with them, because I know a lot of other men are wrestling with the same things right now.

Jesus Gives Us the Order

In Matthew 16, Mark 8, and Luke 9, Jesus asks His disciples who people say He is. Some say John the Baptist. Some say a prophet. Nobody is saying Messiah. Then Jesus asks them directly, "Who do you say that I am?" Peter answers, "You are the Christ," the Messiah, the anointed one. Jesus tells him he is blessed, because this was revealed to him by the Father in heaven, and then tells the disciples to keep it quiet.

From there, Jesus turns to what it means to actually follow Him. If you want to be My disciple, He says, you must deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Me. Three things, in that order. We will walk through each one, but we have to start with a small word in that sentence: if.

Discipleship Is a Choice, and It Is Active

This is not mandatory. Jesus invites us to salvation, and He invites us to discipleship. Both are voluntary. Choosing Christ, choosing to spend eternity with Him through faith, is a decision. And following Him is an active process, not a passive one. You do not drift into it.

Step One: Deny Yourself

I got this backwards as a young Christian. I knew I was saved. I chose Christ, leaned into salvation, read my Bible, and prayed. I did what Christians do. But I still had a self-focus. I understood picking up my cross, but I had never denied myself.

For men, that tends to lead to a performance mindset. Everything is on my shoulders. Grit, grind, willpower. No matter how much it hurts, I will show up. It becomes a badge of honor, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy that I can do it on my own. That is exactly what happened to me. I claimed Christ, but I kept myself at the center of the story and treated everything else like it was optional.

That is why the order Jesus gives matters. If we do not empty ourselves of our own will and desire, there is always a tug of war. We end up serving two masters without realizing it. And when we eventually accomplish something, we are tempted to say I did it, rather than giving the glory to the Father who did it in us.

So what does it actually mean to deny yourself? Here is what I believe, and I am still being shaped on this: it means denying yourself the pleasures and comforts of this world in favor of following Christ. I am not saying you have to live a purposefully painful life, and I am not saying you cannot live an abundant one. But if we look at everything through the lens of self, there is no room left to pick up a cross and follow.

That starts with knowing yourself. What are you drawn to? What tempts you? For a lot of men it is relationships, money, health, status, achievement, or performance. Maybe it is all of them. Those desires can cloud our submission to God's call. So we bring them to Him in prayer and submit them, along with everything we want to build, and we let Him control the outcomes. There is nothing wrong with desires or goals. I coach people on goals all day long. But for a growth-minded Christian man, those goals go through the lens of: I have laid myself down, and whatever God's will is, it is.

Practically, denying yourself looks different for different men:

• For some, it is as small as getting up earlier to read Scripture, pray, and connect with the Father before the day gets busy, which means denying yourself the comfort of staying in bed.
• For some, it is sacrificing time, especially if you are busy and giving time to other people, or to Jesus Himself, is tough.
• For some, it is sacrificing financially, giving more, or using your finances wherever you feel called.
• For some, it means laying down an entire career to follow God in a different direction.
• For a very few, it may mean laying down their life as a martyr. That is still happening in other countries around the world right now.

Step Two: Take Up Your Cross Daily

A lot of people equate picking up your cross with suffering, and I believe that is part of what Jesus is saying. Denying ourselves prepares us to follow Christ even when it means more suffering than reward here on earth. But notice He does not just say pick up your cross. He says pick it up daily.

I think Jesus is also telling us that once you have done the work of denying yourself, which is itself a daily practice, you pick up your mission. You pick up your calling. You pick up the thing God has spoken into your life and given you to do. For some men, that is simply showing up as a good, righteous, and holy man wherever the day takes them. For others, it is something clearly defined, like vocational or volunteer ministry.

This next part is my thought, not a Scripture thought: I believe each of us has some kind of urging, either to live a certain way or to do a certain thing, if we are paying attention. If you do not know what yours is, spend time praying and thinking it through. Once you get a little clearer, take a step toward it. Each step brings more clarity.

Jesus's own path led to suffering, then crucifixion, then eternal life with the Father. If we are walking as disciples, we are on that path too. Denying ourselves is preparation for the suffering that can come from following Christ. That suffering might be small, like getting up earlier, or it might be the ultimate sacrifice. For most of us it will land somewhere in the middle. Discover what God's call and mission is for your life, then pick it up daily and walk it.

Step Three: Follow Jesus

Once we have denied ourselves, identified our mission, and picked up our cross daily, we are prepared for abundance, for suffering, or for anything in between, because God's calling is stronger than our comfort. Then we take steps in the direction Jesus has already gone, and He gives us a clear roadmap.

It is simple, not complicated. There are not a million hoops to jump through. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. And I would add one more thing, drawing from Scripture: each of us is responsible for learning and developing our gifts and skills in service and love of others.

Following Jesus is light, easy, and simple, and it is all about love. It means becoming the kind of man who can live a life of service to his family, his community, his church, and everyone he works with. It means looking through the lens of service and being willing to sacrifice yourself for the good of others.

Your Challenge This Week

I am working through this myself, journaling on it each morning as I try to better understand discipleship, both to follow Jesus and to help other men do the same. Here is my challenge for you.

Read the passage in Matthew 16, Mark 8, and Luke 9. All three. They are almost word for word the same, but I find it valuable to read each Gospel writer's perspective and put in the reps. Then start to journal:

• What does it mean for me to deny myself? Start with who you are, and ask what it is you are actually denying.
• What does it mean to pick up my cross, specifically in my life? And what does it mean to pick it up daily?
• What does it look like for me to follow Jesus in today's world, in such a way that my life looks more and more like His?

I would love to hear what you are learning. Whatever you share helps me learn too.