Become a Man of Understanding: Proverbs 20:5

Proverbs 20:5
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out."

The first half of this verse says that it is the default position of a man to have depth in his heart and to hide it.

One of the pillars in The Known Disciple Project comes from Proverbs 20:5 and is all about becoming a man of understanding. But why is that important?

Let's take a look at this verse and break it down in the context of modern self-mastery culture.

Many growth-minded Christian men are working hard to build a life. They have a purpose. Interestingly, most don't understand that purpose. They just know that they are driven to build something.

They grit, grind, and willpower their way to what the world would call a successful man. Often, that means the man has become someone other men would respect and admire, rather than what Scripture would call a good and faithful servant. Whether it's because of wealth, health, status, or even the type of family they have.

If you've been in the personal growth game for a while and you listen to podcasts, read books, or even follow coaches like myself, then you'll come across volumes of teachings that tell you to master yourself. Sometimes it's through identity work, which I value very highly. Sometimes it's through habits. Sometimes it's through unwinding things in your life that you should no longer be giving life to. Always up and to the right, always growing, always grinding.

What self-mastery culture has taken too far is the lie that a man can actually master self on his own. I believe self-mastery is good and biblical in the context of submission and having skin in the game for growth, but it cannot be done in isolation from Christ and from like-minded Christian brothers. We are not given that option in Scripture.

As early as Genesis, God says that it is not good for man to be alone. All through Scripture this is confirmed.

Because a man is tricked into thinking he can carry the weight of the world on his own, and also made a slave to the pain of that weight, he becomes very good at hiding his purpose.

"I can do it all."

"I can do it all on my own."

In my work as a coach, I've often worked with men who really can carry a lot of weight, and gracefully so. However, when we drill down into everything they are carrying, they often end up saying something like, "I'm alone."

Think about that for a moment in your own life. You might be able to carry an immense amount of weight and handle an intense amount of pressure. But who are you when you put all of that down? What is your purpose in life, and where does that purpose come from? And who else knows it? Are you isolated? Are you alone?

Let me pause here and say, I think that having a purpose you hold onto in your heart and don't share with everyone in the world is a good thing. Your deep thought and purpose should be reserved for people you trust, at least most of the time. The deep water of a man's heart is meant to be used for good. It's the idea that it's all about self that causes it to become toxic. And isolation makes it deadly.

When we only position ourselves as the person in that water, we have lost. We drown.

The second half of this verse implies that it is a good thing to draw out that deep water in a man. What's that about?

All through Scripture we are taught that man should not be alone. When left to his own thoughts, he will default to isolation, avoidance, or performance. These, by the way, are the same things self-help gurus work to leverage in all of their teachings. They point you toward self-mastery. Jesus points you toward being a new creation altogether.

So if man is not good on his own and he needs a savior and brothers around him, because isolation leads him away from Christ and makes his purpose toxic, what is the role of the brother? The wise man? The one who can draw out that deep water… and why is that important?

Current research in neuroscience confirms what Scripture has always said. When you share what's going on in your life, things get lighter. When you name a pain, it loses power. When you celebrate together, it amplifies the effect.

We are even called to confess our sins to our brothers so that they can help us stay within the bounds of true discipleship. See the book of James. We are called into accountability. And if we do not share what's really going on in our life, accountability cannot happen.

We are literally wired in our brains to share. To the glory of God, as disciples, it is a spiritual discipline to do so. But men are not trained in how to do that, or how to help a man share.

This is why it's critical for us to practice becoming a man of understanding, both for our own benefit as a man with deep water and purpose in his heart, and to help our brothers do the same.

Becoming a man of understanding is actually very simple, but hard to practice. Here's how you can become a man of understanding who can draw out the deep water in your brother's heart, so that he can walk a lighter path and keep his eyes on Jesus.

Be curious.

Drop the idea, altogether, that you need to be seen and heard. Focus instead on seeing and hearing others. When you are with your brother, ask him about his life, his faith, his work, and how he's holding up. Then ask a follow-up question, and another, and another. Learn everything you can about him. When he's done sharing, don't go immediately into yourself. Forget about yourself altogether and focus on being present in that curiosity.

And don't stay at the surface. In coaching, I've seen thousands of men who are literally dying for a trusted man to ask them, "what's going on in your life?"… and then to just listen and be curious.

No need to offer advice or wisdom. Just keep drawing from the well. Stay curious. And it's fine to let him know why you're curious. It would be something like, because I am called as a brother, as a disciple, to know you well enough to know when you are showing up well or not.

All men have purpose in our hearts. This is part of being made in God's image.

Wise men are able to draw it out and help shape it into productive, life-giving purpose. Wise men are able to hold their brothers accountable with grace and humility by simply knowing them.

Help them by being curious enough to go into the water with them.